In the moment of pain, impact, disappointment, betrayal… how do you soften instead of contract?
3 Comments
Denise - January 18, 2014
This is a particularly potent question for me for January 16, 2014. When I read it, I got chills. At 8am, on the 16th, I had a single vehicle accident on an icy bridge going 60mph. It took less than ten seconds to destroy my car. I struck the guardrails three times, spinning down the bridge from one side of the highway to the other. I was conscious and aware. I opened my eyes when the car finally stopped moving, looked down at the airbag that had already deflated, turned the key to shut off the hissing engine, unbuckled my seat belt, opened the car door, got out and walked away from a car missing its front end and leaking fluids.
As I have thought about how very fortunate I am: no one else was on the bridge; my dog wasn’t in the car with me; I didn’t launch over the railing into a deep ravine; while I have neck and back issues right now, I am still healthy and functional; I have a chiropractor that changed her schedule to get me on her table within three hours of impact and helped me reconnect with my spine; people have been stepping up to make sure I am ok; the gratitude list really goes on and on.
How do I soften at impact? As soon as I realized I had no control, I made a conscious choice of surrendering to the process that was unfolding because it was out of my hands. Surrender was my only option. I was able to bring flexibility and strength with me into the situation. And now, as I recover, there is tremendous gratitude for my safety and that I am still here and able to experience life in this body and this time.
It’s interesting, I chose “Surrender” as my word for 2014. It seems to be an appropriate theme so far. And as I think about softening when impact, disappointment, betrayal, and pain comes into my life, I remember that it is in surrendering to the suffering, honoring its presence and lessons, being willing to be present with it, that I am able to move through to the other side. This is easier said than done, and often takes me a while to do. Yesterday was an extreme example.
Dearest Elena, Thank you for this prompt, there is such rich soil here for me and I’m not certain I would have found it or started to dig into it without this creative, gentle and heartfelt place of exploration. Love to you.
So so potent. Thank you for your sharing. I’m so grateful you walked away from that, and that you did so with such a richness of awareness.
This is a constant dance for me in so many ways. Disappointment, pain, impact, even discomfort all come in so many different forms and I’m constantly aware of how differently I respond to each of them. Physical pain, if it’s the persistent variety, I’m fairly good at softening, relaxing it all consciously through breathing. I think my years of meditation, yoga and tantric dance have strengthened that muscle memory as it were, and make the response a gentle open one. Impactful pain that I see coming? I still clench, contract and wince, knowing full well that this often makes it worse. I thankfully don’t get many opportunities to practice softening in these situations, but I really believe it’s a parallel process spiritually and emotionally.
When I’m faced with disappointment in another I withdrawal. It’s both due to my own hurt over it, but also, in a deeper way to deep the other person from seeing the effects of their behavior. The later is hard for me to face, given it is still remnant affects of growing up a child of an alcoholic. It’s something I work at in my life daily even still and though I’ve gotten much better at allowing others the truth of their own process, it sneaks in moments where I’m impacted painfully. I think that is what makes up my contraction in those times. I’m also aware that to soften in those moments is to both hold space for the reality of the situation and how I feel, but also to do so with compassion as the other faces the affect of their actions. It’s a delicate dance that I’m still learning.
Bigger than that, however is that in those moments I feel my most vulnerable, and it’s always been hard for me to be Seen that way. The contraction the withdrawal is all about protecting myself emotionally and avoiding being seen even more vulnerable that I am in my most comfortable settings. To soften in those times for me is to trust the exposure, trust the increase in vulnerability and honor the importance of those more tender moments and how they impact an exchange with an other.
I try to be neutral or get myself to be positive. Distract myself with a beautiful book like the one I just finished called The Elephant Whisperer by Lawrence Anthony. Self-compassion is important. If I contemplate this question I know that by tapping into spirit or my higher self in these moments, there is a lot of light and love there waiting for me.
This is a particularly potent question for me for January 16, 2014. When I read it, I got chills. At 8am, on the 16th, I had a single vehicle accident on an icy bridge going 60mph. It took less than ten seconds to destroy my car. I struck the guardrails three times, spinning down the bridge from one side of the highway to the other. I was conscious and aware. I opened my eyes when the car finally stopped moving, looked down at the airbag that had already deflated, turned the key to shut off the hissing engine, unbuckled my seat belt, opened the car door, got out and walked away from a car missing its front end and leaking fluids.
As I have thought about how very fortunate I am: no one else was on the bridge; my dog wasn’t in the car with me; I didn’t launch over the railing into a deep ravine; while I have neck and back issues right now, I am still healthy and functional; I have a chiropractor that changed her schedule to get me on her table within three hours of impact and helped me reconnect with my spine; people have been stepping up to make sure I am ok; the gratitude list really goes on and on.
How do I soften at impact? As soon as I realized I had no control, I made a conscious choice of surrendering to the process that was unfolding because it was out of my hands. Surrender was my only option. I was able to bring flexibility and strength with me into the situation. And now, as I recover, there is tremendous gratitude for my safety and that I am still here and able to experience life in this body and this time.
It’s interesting, I chose “Surrender” as my word for 2014. It seems to be an appropriate theme so far. And as I think about softening when impact, disappointment, betrayal, and pain comes into my life, I remember that it is in surrendering to the suffering, honoring its presence and lessons, being willing to be present with it, that I am able to move through to the other side. This is easier said than done, and often takes me a while to do. Yesterday was an extreme example.
Dearest Elena, Thank you for this prompt, there is such rich soil here for me and I’m not certain I would have found it or started to dig into it without this creative, gentle and heartfelt place of exploration. Love to you.
Oh Denise…
So so potent. Thank you for your sharing. I’m so grateful you walked away from that, and that you did so with such a richness of awareness.
This is a constant dance for me in so many ways. Disappointment, pain, impact, even discomfort all come in so many different forms and I’m constantly aware of how differently I respond to each of them. Physical pain, if it’s the persistent variety, I’m fairly good at softening, relaxing it all consciously through breathing. I think my years of meditation, yoga and tantric dance have strengthened that muscle memory as it were, and make the response a gentle open one. Impactful pain that I see coming? I still clench, contract and wince, knowing full well that this often makes it worse. I thankfully don’t get many opportunities to practice softening in these situations, but I really believe it’s a parallel process spiritually and emotionally.
When I’m faced with disappointment in another I withdrawal. It’s both due to my own hurt over it, but also, in a deeper way to deep the other person from seeing the effects of their behavior. The later is hard for me to face, given it is still remnant affects of growing up a child of an alcoholic. It’s something I work at in my life daily even still and though I’ve gotten much better at allowing others the truth of their own process, it sneaks in moments where I’m impacted painfully. I think that is what makes up my contraction in those times. I’m also aware that to soften in those moments is to both hold space for the reality of the situation and how I feel, but also to do so with compassion as the other faces the affect of their actions. It’s a delicate dance that I’m still learning.
Bigger than that, however is that in those moments I feel my most vulnerable, and it’s always been hard for me to be Seen that way. The contraction the withdrawal is all about protecting myself emotionally and avoiding being seen even more vulnerable that I am in my most comfortable settings. To soften in those times for me is to trust the exposure, trust the increase in vulnerability and honor the importance of those more tender moments and how they impact an exchange with an other.
I try to be neutral or get myself to be positive. Distract myself with a beautiful book like the one I just finished called The Elephant Whisperer by Lawrence Anthony. Self-compassion is important. If I contemplate this question I know that by tapping into spirit or my higher self in these moments, there is a lot of light and love there waiting for me.